Understanding the Anxious Avoidant Attachment Style: What It Means and Why It Matters in a Relationship

Do you ever want closeness in a relationship but then feel the urge to back off once you get it? That push-and-pull is what attachment theory calls the anxious-avoidant attachment style, and it’s one of the common insecure attachment styles. It can really affect how we show up in adult relationships.

The attachment style we form with a caregiver early on often sticks with us in romantic relationships later. People with a secure attachment usually find it easier to build healthy relationships, while those with an anxious-avoidant style may keep looking for reassurance from their partner but also push them away. It’s like your emotional needs are pulling you in two directions at once.

Getting to know anxious-avoidant attachment isn’t about blaming yourself—it’s about noticing patterns. If your attachment style tends to repeat cycles with avoidant partners, it might be why close relationships feel harder to hold onto. Read on to see how understanding this can make a real difference.

Understanding Anxious-Avoidant Attachment and Attachment Theory

Attachment theory is really about how our early bond with an attachment figure, usually a caregiver or our parents, shapes the way we handle relationships as adults.

Out of the four main attachment styles, the secure attachment style leads to healthy, stable bonds, while the three insecure attachment styles—anxious attachment style, avoidant style, and disorganized attachment—can make things harder.

The anxious-avoidant attachment style, sometimes called the fearful-avoidant attachment style, is a mix of both anxious and avoidant types, which is why intimate relationships can feel like such a push and pull.

What Attachment Theory Says

• The attachment style formed in childhood doesn’t just disappear—it shows up in relationships as an adult.
• Avoidant children often grow into avoidant individuals, while people with an anxious attachment carry attachment anxiety into adult attachment.
• If emotional needs weren’t met consistently, it’s easy to develop an insecure attachment instead of a secure attachment style.

How the Anxious-Avoidant Style Looks

• People with anxious-avoidant attachment often feel caught between two attachment styles—they want closeness like someone with an anxious preoccupied style, but then pull away like dismissive-avoidant attachment.
• These dynamics of anxious-avoidant patterns can make a long-term relationship or even secure relationships feel really hard to maintain.
• People with this attachment style may feel strong emotional needs, but also get scared of depending too much on their partner.

Why It Matters

If you’ve ever wondered why relationships feel like a constant cycle of closeness and distance, your attachment style may be the reason. People with this attachment style tend to repeat patterns, especially with anxious and avoidant partners, without even realizing it. The good news is that by understanding anxious-avoidant attachment, it’s possible to develop a secure attachment and build healthier, more stable connections.

How an Attachment Style Formed with a Caregiver Shapes Adult Relationships

The way a person connects in relationships as an adult often goes back to the relationship with their parents or their first caregiver.

If they were consistent and supportive, the person probably had a better chance of developing secure attachment. But if care was unpredictable or distant, it’s easy for them to fall into one of the three insecure attachment styles instead.

The Types of Insecure Attachment

• An anxious attachment style can happen when a caregiver is inconsistent, leaving individuals with an anxious attachment style who are always worried about being left out or abandoned.
• A dismissive-avoidant attachment style often comes from having emotional needs brushed aside, which is why avoidant individuals act so self-reliant or distant.
• Disorganized attachment tends to show up when caregiving was both comforting and scary, creating a mix of fear and longing.

How These Patterns Affect Adult Relationships

• People with preoccupied attachment (a form of anxious attachment style) may crave closeness and keep asking for reassurance, especially if their partner has an anxious attachment too.
• Individuals with an anxious attachment often feel like attachment in adult relationships is unstable, which can spark conflict when emotional needs aren’t met.
• Avoidant individuals shaped by a dismissive-avoidant attachment style may pull back from intimacy, even when they want a long-term relationship.
• Sometimes people feel stuck between two attachment styles—wanting connection but also being scared to depend too much.

Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles: From Anxious Attachment Triggers to the Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style

Anxious and avoidant attachment styles are really common, and honestly, they can make relationships feel like an emotional rollercoaster.

People with an anxious attachment style often worry about losing closeness, while avoidant individuals feel uncomfortable if things get too close. When these two attachment styles come together, it can turn into a back-and-forth of chasing and pulling away.

Anxious Attachment Triggers

• People with an anxious attachment notice little changes, like when a partner pulls back or seems less available, and it can trigger attachment anxiety fast.
• Many view anxious preoccupied and anxious ambivalent styles as some of the most challenging because they bring big emotional ups and downs along with a constant fear of being abandoned.
• In these moments, individuals with an anxious attachment might overthink, text too much, or look for constant reassurance from their partner.

Avoidant Attachment Patterns

• Avoidant individuals, often linked to dismissive-avoidant attachment style, usually value independence so much that closeness can feel overwhelming.
• These avoidant types sometimes hold back from sharing feelings or leaning on their partner, even in a long-term relationship.
• Without realizing it, this distance can make secure relationships harder to build.

The Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style

• The fearful-avoidant attachment style, which connects to disorganized attachment, mixes both anxious and avoidant patterns.
• People with this attachment style might want intimacy, but then back away out of fear of being hurt.
• That push-and-pull can leave both partners feeling drained and unsure of where they stand.

Why These Patterns Matter

If you’ve ever felt like your relationship is stuck in a cycle of closeness and withdrawal, your attachment style may be the reason. People with anxious and avoidant partners often feel trapped in patterns that never seem to change. The good news is that by understanding these different attachment styles, you can start to break those cycles and move toward developing secure attachment in your relationships.

Common Symptoms of Anxious-Avoidant Attachment and How Therapy Can Help

If you have an anxious-avoidant attachment style, relationships can sometimes feel like a constant push-and-pull. You might want closeness one moment and then feel the urge to pull away the next, which can be really confusing—for you and for your partner. Noticing these patterns is the first step toward understanding yourself and building healthier connections.

Common Symptoms of Anxious-Avoidant Attachment

• Push-and-pull behaviour: You crave closeness but feel uncomfortable when things get too intense.
• Attachment anxiety: Even small changes in your partner’s behaviour can make you worry about being abandoned.
• Avoidant tendencies: You might withdraw during conflict or avoid showing your feelings, even when you want connection.
• Trust issues: Fully trusting someone in long-term relationships can feel risky.
• Emotional ups and downs: Relationships can feel like a rollercoaster of closeness and distance.
• Fear of losing independence: Even when you want intimacy, you might worry about losing your freedom.
• Mixed signals to partners: You may act loving one moment and distant the next, leaving your partner unsure.
• Difficulty expressing needs: It can be hard to say what you really need emotionally, which sometimes leads to misunderstandings.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy can be a safe space to understand these patterns and learn new ways to connect. Some approaches that help include:

• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT): Helps you notice and change thoughts that trigger attachment anxiety or avoidant behaviours.
• Attachment-Based Therapy: Focuses on understanding anxious-avoidant attachment and healing old wounds from relationships with your parents or attachment figures.
• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Helps you and your partner express feelings safely and build a more secure bond.
• Psychodynamic Therapy: Explores early experiences to understand why you developed an insecure attachment style.
• Schema Therapy: Helps you identify long-standing patterns and emotional needs so you can break the push-and-pull cycle.

Moving from Insecure Attachment to Secure Attachment in Close Relationships

If you’ve noticed anxious-avoidant patterns in your relationships, don’t worry—you can learn to develop secure attachment. It’s not about never feeling anxious or pulling away; it’s about getting better at handling closeness, trusting your partner, and speaking up about your emotional needs. Just noticing these patterns is a big first step.

Steps to Develop Secure Attachment

• Notice your patterns: Pay attention to times when you swing between anxious and avoidant behaviours, and how it affects your partner.
• Think about early relationships: Looking at your relationship with your parents or attachment figure can help you understand why you developed an insecure attachment style.
• Check in with yourself: Notice your feelings and reactions in adult relationships so you can recognize triggers before they escalate.
• Speak up: Sharing your needs—even if it feels scary—builds trust and closeness.
• Set healthy boundaries: Learn when to step back and when to engage so you feel safe while staying connected.
• Surround yourself with support: Being around people who respond reliably and respect your emotional needs helps reinforce secure attachment.

Final Thoughts

Figuring out your attachment style can make those confusing relationship moments a lot easier to understand. It shows you the patterns in how you relate to others and why you might react the way you do. Once you recognize it, you start to feel more in control and less stuck in the same old cycles.

If you have an anxious-avoidant attachment style, closeness can feel exciting one moment and scary the next—but that’s okay, it doesn’t define you. Noticing the push-and-pull between wanting connection and feeling the urge to pull away is a big first step. Thinking about your early relationships or how your attachment style formed can help explain these patterns.

With self-awareness, support, and practice, you can start developing secure attachment and healthier adult relationships. Every little step toward understanding anxious-avoidant attachment brings you closer to feeling more trust, closeness, and balance in your connections.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is an anxious avoidant attachment, and how does it differ from other insecure attachment styles?

Anxious-avoidant attachment, sometimes called fearful-avoidant, is one of the insecure attachment styles that can make relationships feel tricky.

Push-and-pull: People with this style want closeness but often pull away when things get too intense.

Mixed emotions: Unlike purely anxious or avoidant types, they feel both a fear of being abandoned and a discomfort with depending on others.

Relationship effect: This can make adult relationships feel unpredictable, like a constant back-and-forth of connection and distance.

Takeaway: It’s not a permanent label—just understanding the pattern can help you start building healthier, more stable relationships.

What early experiences influence the development of an anxious attachment style?

An anxious attachment style usually starts in childhood when caregivers weren’t consistently responsive.

Unpredictable care: If a child’s emotional needs weren’t reliably met, they may grow up worried about being abandoned.

Carrying it forward: As adults, people with this style often seek reassurance constantly, which can create stress in relationships.

Friendly perspective: Realizing where these patterns come from is empowering—you can start noticing triggers and learning new ways to connect.

What are the key signs of an anxious avoidant attachment style in adult relationships?

Anxious-avoidant adults often feel torn between wanting closeness and needing space.

Mixed signals: One moment they crave intimacy, the next they pull away.

Emotional ups and downs: Relationships can feel like a rollercoaster of connection and distance.

Trust struggles: Opening up fully or sharing emotional needs can feel risky.

Friendly perspective: Once you see these patterns, it’s easier to work toward relationships that feel steadier and safer.

How does a fearful avoidant attachment style relate to disorganized attachment patterns?

Fearful-avoidant attachment is closely tied to disorganized attachment, often coming from inconsistent or frightening caregiving.

Conflicted feelings: People want closeness but also fear it, which creates anxiety and withdrawal at the same time.

Early experiences matter: Unpredictable or scary caregiving can make forming secure attachments tough.

Adult impact: This often leads to push-and-pull patterns, much like anxious-avoidant attachment.

Friendly perspective: Understanding the link can help guide therapy or personal growth, making relationships feel more manageable.

Can avoidant children grow out of an anxious-avoidant attachment style?

Yes! Avoidant children—or adults with anxious-avoidant tendencies—can learn secure attachment with support and practice.

Consistent care: Reliable, responsive people in their lives help them feel safe and understood.

Self-awareness: Noticing your attachment patterns can help reduce the push-and-pull in adult relationships.

Supportive connections: Being around people who respect your emotional needs reinforces secure attachment over time.

Friendly perspective: These patterns aren’t set in stone—awareness, therapy, and supportive relationships can make a real difference.